Make Intent Visible
People cannot reliably see your intentions.
They see what you say.
They see what you do.
Then their brain tries to explain it.
Sometimes it gets the explanation right.
Sometimes it absolutely does not.
One of the easiest ways to reduce unnecessary conflict is also one of the simplest:
Say what you are trying to do.
Example: Asking Questions
Suppose you want to understand someone better, so you start asking detailed questions.
From your side:
I care about getting this right.
From their side:
Why am I being interrogated?
You can reduce that ambiguity before it grows.
Try:
I want to make sure I understand what you mean before I respond. Can I ask you a couple questions?
Same questions.
Different environment.
Example: Giving Feedback
You notice a problem in someone’s work.
You want to help fix it.
But if you immediately start listing what is wrong, the other person may reasonably hear:
I think your work is bad.
Intent can help frame the interaction.
For example:
I think the overall idea works. I noticed one part that might cause trouble later, and I want to show you what I’m seeing.
Now the other person has more information about what job your criticism is trying to do.
Example: A Difficult Conversation
You need to talk about something that hurt you.
Before launching into the details, you might say:
I’m bringing this up because I care about us and I don’t want this to quietly become resentment. I’m not trying to start a fight. I want us to understand what happened.
That does not guarantee the conversation will go well.
It does give the other person one less mystery to solve.
Good Intent Does Not Erase Effect
Making your intent visible is not a magic shield.
You do not get to say:
But I meant well
and declare the consequences irrelevant.
Intent and effect are different pieces of information.
Both can matter.
If your behavior hurt someone, explaining what you intended may help them understand you.
It does not make the hurt disappear.
The useful version is:
Here is what I was trying to do. I can also see that what actually happened was different.
When to Use This
Use this when:
your behavior could reasonably be interpreted several ways;
you are about to ask sensitive questions;
you need to give criticism;
you are entering a difficult conversation;
people often misunderstand what you were trying to accomplish.
Ask:
What am I trying to do here?
Then consider saying it out loud.
Do not make the other person reverse-engineer you if you can simply hand them the blueprint.
FOLLOW THE WIRES