Build Shared Meaning
Some disagreements are not actually disagreements yet.
They are vocabulary collisions.
Two people use the same word.
Each person assumes the other person means what they mean.
Then everybody begins arguing with impressive efficiency about two different things.
Example: Respect
One person says:
You need to respect me.
What does respect mean?
It might mean:
speak to me politely;
take my concerns seriously;
obey my authority;
do not humiliate me;
acknowledge my expertise;
treat me as an equal.
Those are not interchangeable.
If one person means:
Do not insult me
and the other hears:
You must obey me
the argument can become enormous before either person notices that the word itself is carrying two different jobs.
Example: Commitment
Someone says:
I want a committed relationship.
Good.
Committed how?
Do they mean:
sexually exclusive?
emotionally serious?
planning a future together?
living together?
married eventually?
simply not dating other people right now?
Two people can enthusiastically agree that they want commitment and discover six months later that they agreed to completely different structures.
Example: Safe
“This system is safe.”
What does safe mean here?
Zero possibility of harm?
Acceptably low risk?
Safer than the available alternative?
Safe under normal use?
Safe if one specific safeguard works?
Until the meaning is clear, arguing over whether the claim is true may accomplish almost nothing.
Understanding Is Not Agreement
This distinction matters.
If you accurately understand what another person means, you are not required to agree with it.
You can say:
Okay. When you say “respect,” you mean that children should obey their parents even when they disagree. I understand what you mean now. I still disagree.
That is progress.
The disagreement has become more precise.
You are finally arguing about the actual thing.
When to Use This
Use this when:
one word seems to carry most of the disagreement;
both people keep repeating themselves;
someone says, “That’s not what I mean”;
the argument feels strangely impossible to resolve;
you suspect the same sentence means something different in each person’s head.
Ask:
When you use that word, what exactly are you pointing to?
Do not fight over the label until you know what is inside the box.
FOLLOW THE WIRES