The Experience of You
You may know that you are:
kind.
loyal.
funny.
thoughtful.
interesting.
affectionate.
reliable.
But somebody meeting you for the first time does not have access to your internal character sheet.
They have access to the interaction.
People may learn your adjectives later. At first, they experience your verbs.
They experience whether you:
listened;
interrupted;
showed interest;
remembered something they told you;
respected a boundary;
made room for them to speak;
followed through;
disappeared;
helped;
mocked;
repaired something after it went wrong.
That is what arrives first.
Example: Dating
Someone might sincerely think:
I am a caring person.
Good.
What did the other person experience?
Did you ask questions because you wanted to know them?
Did you listen to the answers?
Did you notice when they seemed uncomfortable?
Did you make it safe for them to disagree with you?
Did you follow through when you said you would call?
Your adjective may be true.
But they cannot inspect it directly.
They experience the behavior produced by it.
Example: Friendship
“I’m always there for my friends.”
Maybe you are.
But “being there” becomes visible through things like:
answering the phone.
showing up.
bringing food.
remembering the difficult date.
helping somebody move a couch even though couches are an architectural crime.
The friendship is built from things that happened.
This Is Good News
You do not have to convince someone that you are secretly wonderful.
You can change the experience of interacting with you.
Today.
That is much more actionable than trying to become:
more attractive
more impressive
more interesting
Those are giant blurry targets.
But you can ask:
What experience am I helping create when someone is with me?
That gives you somewhere to move.
When to Use This
Use this when you catch yourself wondering:
Why do people not see who I really am?
How do I make people like me?
What makes someone enjoyable to be around?
Why do my intentions seem different from how people respond to me?
Ask:
What are they actually experiencing?
Your adjectives can come later.
Start with the verbs.
FOLLOW THE WIRES