Make Intent Visible
Sometimes misunderstanding does not happen because anyone is being unreasonable.
The sentence itself is ambiguous.
You know which meaning you intended because you have access to the rest of your thoughts.
The other person does not.
A useful communication habit is:
Notice where your words could point in more than one direction. Then name the direction you mean.
Example: Asking Questions
Suppose you start asking someone detailed questions about a decision they made.
Questions can mean:
I am curious.
They can also mean:
I think you made a terrible decision and I am building the prosecution’s case.
If you mean the first one, say so.
For example:
I know this might sound like I’m challenging your decision. I’m not. I’m trying to understand how you got there.
Now the questions arrive with a map.
Example: Needing Space
“I need some time alone.”
That can mean:
I am overwhelmed and need an hour to reset.
It can also sound like:
I am withdrawing from this relationship and may never return from the wilderness.
If you know the difference matters, make it visible.
I’m overloaded and need a little quiet. We are okay. I just need to decompress for a while.
Same need.
Much less unnecessary terror.
Example: Criticism
“This part doesn’t work.”
Does that mean:
The entire idea is bad?
You are incompetent?
One mechanism is producing the wrong result?
You may know.
The other person may not.
Try:
I think the overall approach is good. There is one part of the process that I think is creating a problem.
You have narrowed the target before the other person has to defend the entire machine.
You Do Not Need to Explain Everything
Removing ambiguity does not mean narrating every thought in your head.
You are not required to provide live commentary on your internal operating system.
Pay attention to ambiguity when the wrong interpretation would meaningfully change the interaction.
Especially when:
the topic is emotionally charged;
the relationship matters;
your behavior could easily resemble something more hostile;
you already know the other person is uncertain about what you mean.
When to Use This
Use this when you find yourself thinking:
I hope they don’t think I mean...
That thought is useful.
Instead of merely hoping, consider saying:
I can see how this might sound like X. What I mean is Y.
You already found the ambiguity.
Now stop making the other person find it alone.
FOLLOW THE WIRES